Don’t invalidate a child’s experience or emotions
In classrooms, tantrums often appear to erupt over “small” things — a block tower falling, a turn ending, the wrong color cup. While the trigger may seem minor to adults, it feels significant to the child in the moment.
Avoid phrases such as:
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“It’s not a big deal.”
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“You’re fine.”
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“That’s nothing to cry about.”
Don’t tell children how to feel
Comments like “Calm down,” “Stop crying,” or “You don’t need to be mad” don’t teach self-regulation. They communicate that emotions are unacceptable rather than manageable.
In classroom settings, children often calm more quickly when educators name the feeling or describe the situation, such as:
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“That was frustrating when the blocks fell.”
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“You’re upset because your turn ended.”
Don’t avoid limits by bending the truth
In an effort to prevent disruption, educators may sometimes offer explanations that aren’t fully accurate (e.g., “The center is closed” when it’s simply not available right now).
While this may ease the moment, consistent, honest limit-setting helps children build trust and learn how to tolerate disappointment — a critical school readiness skill. Clear boundaries paired with empathy are more effective long-term than avoidance.
Don’t place responsibility for adult emotions on the child
Statements like “You’re making me sad” or “This behavior hurts my feelings” ask children to manage adult emotions — a task they are not developmentally ready for.
Instead, educators can model emotional awareness by owning their feelings:
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“I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a breath.”
Don’t take tantrum language personally
During tantrums, children may say things like “You’re mean,” “I don’t like you,” or “Go away.” These statements are expressions of dysregulation, not reflections of the child’s true feelings or respect for the educator.
Don’t use sarcasm
Sarcasm is confusing for young children and often feels shaming during moments of distress. Statements like “Well, that’s just the worst thing ever,” may increase agitation rather than promote understanding.
When children are overwhelmed, they need clarity, consistency, and calm — not irony.